Acceptance & Vulnerability
I haven’t written in months and it feels kind of weird. But I needed some time to myself. I didn’t (and still don’t) feel any need to share everything that has happened the past two months because all of life isn’t meant to be shared with social media. Some things can just be shared with close friends and family. They can be shared over a cup of hot coffee or a big glass of wine. They don’t need to be shared as a status on Facebook.
With that being said, I felt like today was a good day to write. We have rare winter sunshine here in Pittsburgh and the warmth of the rays makes me happy. My almost-birthday cat (Camden will be four on the 30th) is enjoying the sun too on the couch next to me.
2018 was a wonderful year for me. I was able to travel to Europe and spend time in my favorite city with some of my favorite people. I attended four Ed Sheeran concerts. I got a wonderful new job. I found love. I lost love. I learned how strong I am and what I want from a career and relationships. I got the coolest London tattoo on my arm. I went to the Royal Wedding themed bar in DC with one of my best London-loving, Royal Family-appreciating friends. I did so many other wonderful things as well.
But, it was also a year where I stopped inspiring myself in many ways. Yes, I did found a new job that I love and is with a wonderful company but I didn’t get back into volunteering like I wanted. It was hard to get involved in the community when working in hospitality because my schedule changed each week and commitment to anything was difficult. I kept putting off finding worthy causes for months and months. I had free time but I spent it sleeping or on the couch with Netflix. I also didn’t take care of my mental health as well as I know how.
Like many other people, I saw the New Year as a reset. I know that every day is a new day and a good one for change yet I can’t help but appreciate the beginning of a calendar. I didn’t create New Year’s Resolutions. I did that last year and failed. What I did instead was set intentions for myself. At the beginning of yoga classes the teacher often asks the class to take a moment and set an intention for the class. It could be to find balance. To focus on breathing. To let go of stress for the hour you are on your mat. It could be absolutely anything you need in that moment.
I haven’t had a regular yoga practice in at least 3 years but I practiced regularly in college and loved it. I could feel how strong my body was and the constant reminder of focusing on my breathing helped immensely with my anxiety. It is truly crazy what some deep and controlled breathing can due to the human body. I knew that my whole being would benefit if I found a yoga studio, bought a class package and dragged myself to class. I had searched the internet a few times over summer but I’m really good at making excuses to myself. I convinced myself I wouldn’t use the yoga package or that I wouldn’t be good anymore since I hadn’t taken a real class in so many years. But when I was home in Michigan for Christmas I pulled the plug and bought myself a two-month package to a studio a few minutes from my apartment. They had great reviews and the Groupon was an absolute steal. Even just buying the package made me feel better about myself. Instead of thinking about getting back into yoga I actually took an action to make it a reality.
About Those Intentions
How did you spend New Year’s Eve? At a bar with friends? On the couch with a glass of wine and Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve on tv? Did you kiss someone you love when the clock struck midnight?
Well, I spent it at a yoga class and I think it is the best thing I could have done for myself. It was the most wonderful way to end such an emotional year and to start a new one. I cried. I laughed. I spent an hour stretching, breathing, reflecting and accepting. Here’s a note I wrote on my phone when I got home:
Close your eyes and reflect on the past year. Let the highlight reel play in your head. The good and the bad. Reflect and accept it all. Then let go. And letting go doesn’t mean forgetting because the memories will always be a part of you.
My eyes were shut and I could the tears forming. My chest got tight and my breathing became increased. A single tear fell down the right side of my face.
When I opened my eyes I felt I was underwater. All the tears had pooled.
I needed to hear someone say those words. To let go of the past. To remember but stop holding on. I’m afraid of letting go sometimes because I don’t want to be forgotten. I hope that I’m making the world a little bit better and that people will remember me for making them smile or laugh. I won’t change the world in some huge way because I don’t have the brain for that but I do have the heart to make little differences.
So the two intentions I set in that class were acceptance and vulnerability.
I need to accept the past and accept things every day. When something stresses me at work I need to accept it and move on. I need to understand that things don’t always go according to plan. And I need to work on acceptance each and every day. My other intention was vulnerability. To be vulnerable in the yoga class when trying new poses but more importantly to be vulnerable in life. I’ve always loved with my whole being. I don’t see a point in working to maintain relationships that don’t spark a fire in me. I’m incredibly passionate so if something catches my eye or heart I’m going to love it with everything I have. But loving so deeply requires an incredible amount of vulnerability. If I am loving another person I have to hope they will love me in return. When I am sharing my love about London or Ed Sheeran or Camden I have to hope that people won’t judge me. And even if/when they do pass judgement, I have to accept it and be okay. I have to continue owning myself and my passions completely.
Along with acceptance and vulnerability, I promised myself I would volunteer in 2019. It is a little hard because my shift is 12:30-9pm so my weeknights are busy but I got permission to work a different schedule a few weeks ago in order to attend a new volunteer meeting for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I was able to meet the leadership team and understand the foundation of the organization. I’m going to do my best to attend events and meetings as the year progresses because I want to provide a voice for mental health. I know that being vocal with my own struggles has helped others understand themselves better. I’ve had people tell me that they appreciate my voice and support. Volunteering is a way that I can inspire myself again and that’s why it is an intention for 2019.
What I now know is that we have to set a focus for each and every day. My mind wanders all over the place and I am so talented at overthinking. I’m really, really good at it. But just like at the beginning of a yoga class where the teacher asks me to set an intention for the time on my mat, I need to ask myself every day what my intention will be. Maybe I won’t get frustrated if I’m having a slow day at work. Maybe I won’t question why people enjoy spending time with me. Or maybe I’ll even just accept that my dirty dishes will stay in the sink a day longer than they need to.
We shall see how the year goes. In the first month I’m proud of myself and I’m going to keep taking it day by day.
